Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
