I must be too annoying 4 u.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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