I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
