you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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