my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
