all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
