I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
