Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
It's Friday. Sex?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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