is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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