I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
He shit in the fireplace
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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