I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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