dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
You smell like a Billy Joel song
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Randomize
