I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Randomize
