Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
