ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
