I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
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