did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
