god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
