I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
