I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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