I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize
