I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
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