Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES