Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
