I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
