new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
