How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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