Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
