I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
