Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
there's paper in my vomit.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
