Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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