upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He better not be in your backpack
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
