You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
