We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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