So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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