i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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