i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
