Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
