So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
