i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
