We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
