You just made me feel so damn special
my vag is so smooth its legendary
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
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