I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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