my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
