Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
