i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
