Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
