I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Randomize
