I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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