im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
