So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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