i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
