There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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