I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I CAN MOONWALK!
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
