Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
oh god the rape fog is back!
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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