I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
oh god was she eating orange peels again
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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