and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
