Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
