THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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